by Joe Borders,
LGBTQ Therapist

Roseville, Ca

October 17, 2024

How We Survive If He Comes Back

It’s becoming increasingly possible that Donald Trump may return and we need to talk about how we’re all going to get through this if he does.

If you’re the target audience of this article, then you’re likely feeling a mix of negative emotions after reading that sentence, and I am too. I’ve struggled so much to write some of this article and have written and rewritten several sections with varying degrees of expletives and notes to myself that I cannot believe we are here! 🙁 T_T . If this sentiment reflects how you’re feeling, then this article is for you.

I am an LGBTQ, gender affirming therapist who has been working with queer folx in the greater Sacramento area since 2009 and my goal in writing this article is to help you and others in our community to cope with the possibility that he may come back.

This is a long one. I really wrote this with the intention of it being a semi thorough guide rather than a quick collection of pointers. Bookmark it, come back to it later, and share it with friends. This article is an open letter of support to all those in the LGBTQ community who are suffering in anticipation right now.

I’m aware that some folx may receive this article as fear mongering or hyperbolic, but truly, many people are really in a bad space around all of this. Denying this reality only puts people who’re suffering in the closet and leaves them feeling alone in all of this. This is a very unusual post for me. I’ve never written directly about a negative current event. I know this article might ruffle some feathers, but I hope it is of help to the people it is intended for.

*Click here to skip past the potentially triggering intro where I talk about a bit about how things have gotten bad.*

Local Anti-LGBTQ Sentiment

It’s very hard to predict what could happen if he returns, but judging from their rhetoric over the last several years, it is safe to assume that there will be even more anti LGBTQ, sentiment and they’re likely to try to make life more difficult for us. Its nothing new for people on the right to hate, fear, and discriminate against those in the LGBTQ community, but over the last five or so years, I’ve seen a lot more hate, vitriol, and general anti LGBTQ sentiment than ever before, especially directed at our trans and gender queer neighbors.

Just last month a couple of men assaulted a worker at a pizza restaurant in Roseville, apparently because there was an inclusive pride flag on display at the cash register. Last year the Rocklin Unified School Board voted to mandate that teachers out children to their parents. The anti trans sentiment is palpable, and growing.

Last year, Pastor Casey Tinnin of Loomis Basin UCC was targeted by Project Veritas when two of their operatives posed as parents moving to the area who wanted to find support for their trans teen. These people embedded themselves into the community at Loomis Basin UCC, invited Pastor Casey out for a meal, and then recorded their conversation. They released a highly edited video of the interaction and portrayed him as a dangerous person out to hurt children and turn them against their parents.

In the months after this Project Veritas incident Pastor Casey received constant death threats, people were outside of his home at night with mega phones. My family visited the church around this time to show our support and there were armed security guards outside for months. I volunteered to co-facilitate the parent support group run by The Landing Spot, a trans youth support organization affiliated with Pastor Casey and his church. The first day I came to a parent support group meeting, the FBI showed up to talk with all of us about how to stay safe, what to look out for, and how to manage situations like this.

It’s crazy out there…..and it may get worse 🙁

Donald Trump and the republican party have been outspoken in the last several years in their attacks against the trans community. Trump himself has effectively called for an all out ban on gender affirming care for minors and has promised to essentially make it illegal to be trans or gender queer in any way. On multiple occasions he has asserted that he will push for national policy to be implemented stating that there are only two genders and they are immutably assigned at birth. This could effectively legalize anti-trans discrimination and make trans and gender queer folx illegal in any form other than closeted and quiet.

More and more, it seems, the right is leaning into trans and gender queer folx being the identified target and the demon of the times. This can be stressful and difficult for those of us who become targets of all of this, but when Trump says things like “the enemy from within” being far worse than Russia or China, and asserting that he will call on the national guard and possibly the military to “deal with it”, things get scary and possibly dangerous.

Trump has been flirting with calling for violence against his enemies and identified others for years. I, and many I know, fear what could happen if he gets back in power. I don’t know what will happen, but I know it will be hard. I know many in the LGBTQ community will be afraid, anxious, and worried about worst case scenarios where violence against us is sanctioned.

You’re Not Alone

In the days ahead, things are going to be hard. You’re going to hear more and more about how this is a “margin of error election” and a “coin toss” and you are going to have times when you truly let that sink in and feel like you’re going to explode. If he gets elected you’re going to experience shock, retraumatization, fear, horror, and utter disbelief.

You are not alone

So many of us are in this same place.

The purpose of this post is to talk about how we will get through this if Trump gets elected again. I’m going to cover some basic considerations, some worst case scenario issues, and some ways we can all cope to get through this.

On Election Day / Week

Election day is going to be hard and its very likely that this will drag out into a difficult several days or weeks. In that time you’re going to struggle with a lot of difficult emotions and experiences. Do you best to stay safe, take care of yourself, and give yourself the space to process your thoughts and feelings in whatever ways you need.

Know your risks

This is going to be a hard experience. We’re all going to struggle with this, but each of us will struggle in some different ways. Its important to be aware of your individual risks and plan ahead for them.

Some important considerations:

• Are you struggling with or are you prone to suicidal ideation?
• Do you struggle with depression?
• Do you have problems with anxiety?
• Do you have a history of substance abuse or addiction?

I talk about some considerations for the last 3 of these issues below but want to separately talk about suicidal ideation here.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, have a history of suicidality, and/or can reasonably see yourself becoming suicidal if this situation takes a turn for the worse, I need you to make sure you have people around you. Find people you love and feel safe with and tell them that you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts or are worried you could become suicidal over the course of election day/week.

If you don’t have people who exactly fit the bill of feeling loved and safe with, find people who semi fit the bill. You need to not be alone in this and you need to tell people about your struggles so that you have support in those hard moments even if you come to a place where in that moment you feel like you don’t want the help. You have to plan ahead for this. And when you talk with people, make sure they know you’re not joking. People tend to joke about suicidal thoughts and sometimes if you’re serious, people will at first think you’re either joking or you mean something more along the lines of “this whole thing is crazy am I right” rather than “I am seriously effected by this and in danger.”

If you find yourself struggling with suicidal thoughts, please, please, please call the national suicide and crisis support line at 988, reach out for help from loved ones and/or get yourself to an emergency room.

Don’t mix drugs

I reminded everyone of this the night of the last election. Alcohol potentiates many drugs. Be careful and avoid mixing drugs, especially drugs and alcohol. Alcohol makes some drugs stronger. So for example, you might take a xanax and be fine, but if you have a xanax and mix it with alcohol it might be more like the equivalent of you taking 2 xanax. This is how a lot of overdoses happen.

Plan ahead

If there are ever situations in life that you can see coming and know will be hard for you, its good to take some time to assess your risks, vulnerabilities, and how the situation might be hard for you so you can plan ahead and take steps to keep yourself safe. This is a principle we use in addiction, anxiety, and trauma work. We know going into this situation that it will be hard. So do your best to plan ahead and set yourself up for self-care, coping, and overall well-being. This kind of prep can range from small things like wearing cozy pajamas and lighting candles the night of the election, to bigger things like making sure you have a ride home if you’re going somewhere where there will be drinking, or knowing you’re going to have a really hard time, and so taking the day after off from work.

The important parts of this:

• If there are any challenges you can identify ahead of time, create space for you to plan for them.
• In hard and uncertain times when you can’t control what happens to you, focus on the things you can control.
• If you can identify things that will be hard, plan for opposites. In this case we’re expecting stress and anxiety, so plan to do things that you know are calming and stress relieving.
• If you have any issues with substance abuse, plan for this. Get rid of your alcohol or limit the amount available. Ask for help. Talk with people you trust and bring them in on your struggles so you can go to them for support and talk it out.
• keep your pet(s) nearby.
• If you think you might need medication to get to sleep or something to calm your nerves, plan ahead for exactly what this looks like so you’re not left trying to figure it out in the middle of the night or in a moment of desperation.
• If you know you’re prone to depression, get supplies for a couple of days and make sure to stay in contact with people.
• If you’re prone to anxiety, try to find ways to talk and connect with people. This is a hard and scary time, but we tend to process things like this and feel safe through connection and voicing our anxiety so we don’t feel alone or crazy

Get some sleep

We won’t know the results on election night. Its possible….but very unlikely. Try not to stay up all night. lack of sleep makes everything worse and you don’t need that during this potential crisis. I know it might be hard during a time like this, but try to get some good sleep.

Community

Find connection and support

A big part of how we’re going to get through this is through finding connection, support, and community. If he comes back, we’re all going to be struggling through this. Try not to do it alone. Reach out, get connected, and find support. Its one thing to have something bad happen to you as an individual. But when a whole group of people shares the same experience and struggles in a similar way, there is real power and strength in getting together to share experiences and support. If you aren’t connected with community in some way, start looking into it now. I promise it will help you get through this.

Although not an exhaustive resource, I have a collection of LGBTQ resources available in the greater Sacramento area that I’ve been working on for years. This could be a good place to start in looking for connection with community. Take a look sometime.

Support local organizations

Related to the point above, our local organizations are going to need help and support to be there for the community. If you’re able to, donate your money or time when you can. Volunteering and/or working with an organization that feels meaningful is a great way to pick up motivation and to have something you can do with all of the pent up energy, frustration, and anxiety you’ll be feeling. Psychologically, an aspect of situations like this that make them especially hard is that it can often feel like there is nothing you can do to directly affect change or fix this terrible situation. Finding ways to help, contributing to your community, and being involved in something that feels real and meaningful is generally the best cure for this. You might not be able to immediately fix the situation, but you can participate in something that helps.

Always remember that we’re social creatures and as such, when you do positive things, you make a positive effect on the system. Like an interconnected web, when you do something good, it has a positive effect on someone else, who can then spread that positivity to someone else. You matter and we need you.

Stay close and connected to loved ones

If he comes back we’re all going to need all the support we can get. Stay close to the people you love, try to be more open and vulnerable with them. Talk about your fears and anxieties. Listen to how they’re doing and connect with each other. The only way we truly get through something like this is to hold onto our humanity and our humanity deeply needs human connection.

Birth Control

Given what we saw the last time Trump was president, there is a good chance we will see (increased) restrictions to abortion access, birth control, and possibly vaccines.

In the time between Trump getting elected in 2016 and him taking office, I remember seeing lots of commercials for IUDs. I remember coming to the sad realization at some point, that the reason this was a thing was because so many people were afraid (rightly so) that the Trump administration would attack abortion rights and/or repeal protections instated by ObamaCare.

In California we’re relatively safe from the reaches of birth control and abortion restrictions, but its unlikely that efforts to curb access to birth control will stop anytime soon and under a second Trump administration we could see further attacks on abortion access. Because of this, it may be prudent to look into longer acting forms of birth control like IUDs at this time.

Coping

This is a very hard time. As election night approaches and if he comes back, we’re all going to need good coping skills to rely on. Its important to have some things in place to help you during times like this. Coping skills can range from things like breathing exercises to other things like making your surroundings pretty and comfy.

Moderation

If he comes back, at first you may have the urge to stare the situation straight in the face, watch the news 24/7, and feel like you need to be constantly connected and aware. This is a natural human response to disaster and trauma. It’s the brain’s way of attempting to keep us safe in the presence of uncertainty.

In the early days, this is ok, because, honestly, I think for many of us this urge is going to be too strong to fight, but try to disconnect in some way at some point. When the dust settles a little bit, or honestly, as soon as you can, try to consume information in moderation. You can’t be on high alert all the time. You will burn out.

So stay informed, connect when you can, but also take some time to unwind, relax, and do other things. In most scenarios you don’t need to know word for word exactly what happens as it’s happening. In our connected world, its safe to assume if something major happens, you’ll hear about it soon.

Limit “knowing the enemy”

Another common reflex people have during times like this is to inject themselves into hostile territory in an attempt to better understand the dangers that might be coming. Again, like staying connected all the time, this is a normal and understandable human reaction to these kinds of times. If watching Fox news and listening to people like Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson honestly truly helps you process all of this, then go for it….but also in moderation. Sometimes I meet people who insist that they’re truly ok in this space and feel better being in the front seat where they can see the danger head on. If you’re one of these people, really take some time to think about how this works for you and if its actually helpful. Talk with your therapist about it :-p.

Decompress

You’re going to need to take time to decompress. Take some time in the coming weeks to think about things that really help you unwind, relax, and feel “ok”. Sometimes I ask clients struggling with chronic stress, anxiety, or depression to write down lists of things that they know are good for them or will help them to relax and calm. This can be helpful because sometimes when we’re in the thick of it, its hard to think of the things we ordinarily would know can be helpful.

Back when I worked at Heritage Oaks, a major inpatient psychiatric facility in Sacramento, I used to use an activity in groups where I gave people a sheet with the letters of the alphabet written down the side. I would ask them to come up with one healthy coping skill for each letter. Maybe try something like this and keep this list in an accessible place so you can reference it when things get tough.

Grieve

This is one of the most important considerations in all of this article. When big, bad, terrible things happen, many of us tend to judge our reactions, compare ourselves to others, bottle things up, or in cases like this maybe even dip into extended states of shock. All of these responses are normal but not necessarily healthy.

If he comes back, you are going to feel shock, fear, anger, anxiety, stress, all of these things. When terrible things like this happen, its normal to experience a lot of difficult emotions. The grieving is the part where you actually allow yourself to experience your full and true emotional experience. It looks like falling apart, crying, losing it for a bit, curling up in a corner and sobbing. We all grieve in different ways, but however it happens for you, you need to let it out and embrace it. Just don’t bottle it up or try to divert your attention right away. Just like if you experienced the death of a loved one. Its going to hurt. But you need to take some time to let it in and feel it in order to process it in a healthy way and have the potential for better things later.

Gym/Exercise

Everyone balks at or skips this section. You don’t have to go to the gym or pick up an exercise routine. But let me tell you why this could be a really good idea at a time like this.

1. We know that exercise naturally helps with stress and anxiety. This will be something we all need at a time like this.
2. Exercise gives the brain a chance to fight or flight and process stress and anxiety in a healthy way.

There’s a general principle in trauma work that talks about some of this. When we’re confronted with traumatic, dangerous, scary, stressful events, our bodies get us ready to fight or flight from whatever danger presents itself. The problem is, we evolved this response in a time when dangers came in the form of tigers trying to eat us, but nowadays the dangers and stressors we face are often chronic and present themselves in ways that we have limited or no ability to actually confront and fight or flight from. The brain doesn’t deal well with this ambiguity and needs to find ways to let out that energy.

Some people think this is part of why we have nightmares. The brain creates nightmares in times of stress, anxiety, and uncertainty, so that it can have something to fight or flight from and exercise that energy. To the brain, there is little difference between waking life and a nightmare, so it creates things to confront that feel very real to it. Exercise works on a similar principle. During times like this, the brain wants and needs something to fight or flight from. Exercise gives you some of that.

When you’re ready, try to channel some of the energy you’re feeling into exercise. It will make you feel better.

Closeting is ok

For a number of different reasons, many of us come to places in life where we feel unsafe being open and visible to others. Its ok if you come to a place where you feel like you need to mask, go stealth, or step back into the closet in some spaces. I’m not saying this to give you permission, like I’m some authority over here trying to tell you what to do. I’m saying this because I’ve seen lots of people in therapy who are not as open and visible as they would like to be or closet in some situations and end up feeling shame, like somehow they’re letting their community down and/or letting themselves down.. I’m here to tell you you’re ok. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. We all express in different ways and mask/ present differently in different situations.

Remember that even if you present differently, or you pull back for a time and present as cis/heteronormative, this doesn’t change who you are.

In the context of gender, its sometimes helpful to contrast gender identity and gender expression. Gender identity is who you are, the core of your being, and how you feel yourself to be in the world. Gender expression is how you share that with the world and how you present yourself to others. You can change your gender expression and still have the same gender identity. The cloths you wear do not make you you. You may feel less comfortable wearing what others might expect you to wear, but you’re still in there.

If you choose to closet, you will have times where depression might sneak in. You might sometimes find yourself questioning your identity. Find connection and community. People who see you. Find places where you do feel safe. You will get through this and you will not be closeted forever. They can be loud and scary and make you feel unsafe. But they can’t take who you are away from you.

Avoid the urge to provoke them

This is just a general precaution. If he comes back, his people are going to feel emboldened and we’re likely to see more of them harassing members of the LGBTQ community. Try not to provoke them. I know sometimes it can be hard to fight back the urge to throw retorts when someone is cruel to you. Be careful with this. It is more important to get home safe than to get the last word.

Get therapy

If you aren’t in therapy already, consider looking into it. Sometimes people think that you need to be broken or “messed up” in some way to need therapy. Therapy is meant to provide you with a safe, non judgmental place to unpack what’s going on in your life and to figure out what you want to do with it. During times like this we all have complicated mixed thoughts and emotions and it can be helpful at the very least to have a place to talk about all of that with someone who isn’t going to judge you.

This is where I give my obligatory sales pitch :-p

I’ve been working with LGBTQ and especially trans and gender non-conforming clients in the greater Sacramento area since 2009. I see clients in the Sacramento area and remotely throughout California, and now Oregon too! ^_^. Take a look around my site to learn more about me. I pride myself on being an actual real person with my clients and am very open and genuine with people. If any of this sounds good to you, give me a call, text, or email sometime for a free brief 10-15 minute consultation so we can talk a bit about what’s going on and see if I might be a good fit ^_^.

Radical acceptance

This one is going to be hard to explain in writing.

Radical acceptance, broadly speaking, refers to the practice of accepting that there are things in life that are out of your control, and doing your best to find contentment in that.

Its always hard to talk about this one without risking coming across as saying something along the lines of “there’s nothing you can do. Get over it.” That’s not what I mean when I talk about radical acceptance.

If he comes back, its going to be bad. There will be difficult times. You will feel a mix of negative emotions, confusion, fear, shock, etc. Its very important that you allow yourself time to grieve and process all of this. But at some point, for your own sanity and overall mental health, you’re going to need to try to engage in some acceptance. This does not mean that you’re accepting the things that he does, ignoring them, or pretending everything is ok when its not.

Healthy acceptance means recognizing and knowing that things are bad, but choosing not to let what’s bad outside of you make bad inside of you. In engaging in acceptance, we’re not accepting the bad things themselves. We are accepting the state we are in. Rather than approaching the situation with “OMG this is really terrible. Everything sucks” an acceptance mentality approaches a similar situation with something more along the lines of “Things are bad right now”. That’s it. The core of acceptance is in avoiding judgment of the bad thing. In acceptance we notice and are aware of the fact that things are bad, but we take effort to avoid tacking on the extra “OMG”, “Everything is terrible”, “Dumpster fire!”.

When talking about acceptance in situations like this I think its really important to define what acceptance is not. Acceptance is choosing peace and calm within yourself as you’re able, not pretending everything is ok and ignoring the problem.

If he comes back, it will be bad. but at some point I want you to try to work on some form of acceptance. Some people will find themselves future tripping in efforts at acceptance and travel down the route of trying to reassure themselves by saying to themselves things like “He’ll be gone in 4 years”, “There are still adults in the room.”. Try to avoid going there, just focus on now. For today, for now, we are where we are, and we’re going to try to make peace with that the best we can. Future tripping opens the door to arguing with yourself and getting trapped in places of weighing evidence rather than just being.

As a general principle in life. When there are things you cannot control, do your best to accept them. Conserve your energy and resources so that you’re more able to act when there is something you can do. This ties back to something I talked about in an earlier section, but the human body is not meant for prolonged periods of stress. During times like this, our bodies prepare for a fight or flight response that may never come.

If you allow yourself to constantly be in it and never take time to set it down, you’re being like a powerful race car revving its engine at a stop light that may never turn green. That race car has massive potential, but if it doesn’t just chill and wait, its going to burn its engine out and it wont get to race. Just like this, if you allow yourself to internalize all of this stress and anxiety all the time, you will burn out your engine and you will get sick, tired, irritable, etc.

When you’re able, shelve the things you can’t control and seek calm so that you can rage in the times when there is something you can do.

For Trans Folx

If he comes back, its expected that there will be attacks on access to gender affirming care. These are some considerations to take to prepare for this.

Find affirming providers

If you don’t already have one, find a primary care physician who you know is trans friendly. I know this can be hard to find sometimes, but they’re out there. Ask around in local Facebook groups or consult friends about this. Its also important to find a gender affirming therapist as well.

If he comes back and they attack access to gender affirming care, one of the places they will start is targeting gender affirming care providers. They might try to scare people out of providing gender affirming care and/or pass laws that threaten to penalize those who do. Similar to what they’ve done with abortion in many states, they will make it hard for us to do our work. Its partially important to find gender affirming care now, because if they do any of this, providers will get harder to find, both because there will be fewer available and because those of us who still are available may choose to be less vocal about it.

Get your legal documents

Another way they might attack the trans and gender diverse community is through restricting access to things like legal name changes and gender markers on legal documents. If you haven’t gotten these already, start working on it.

Honestly, if they do try to take action in this area, it will likely take some time and we’re relatively safe here in California. I think if they try to limit legal name and gender changes, it will take at least a year or two for it to reach us here. So you’ve got some time, but look into this.

Surgeries

They’re very likely to try to limit gender affirming surgeries as well as access to HRT. Even if they don’t take immediate legal action in this area, we’re likely to see a chilling effect on providers and surgeons at some point. Just like we have seen with abortion access, providers may stop offering some services out of fear of legal action being taken against them. I’m not sure what will happen in the days to come if he comes back, but I’m sure at the very least they will try to scare providers out of offering trans affirming care.

Getting gender affirming surgeries is a very personal and complicated decision. I’m not here to tell you that you should go get surgery if you’ve been on the fence. I am here to tell you that if you’re one of the many, many people I’ve met who fully intend to pursue surgery, but haven’t yet because of all the gate keeping and barriers to access, those barriers are likely to increase, and you should get on it if this is something you’ve decided on.

Get support letters

Again, if he comes back they’re likely to try to make it more difficult for providers to offer gender affirming care. One way we might see this is in restrictions to our ability to offer support letters and/or aggressive, frightening rhetoric that may scare some providers out of writing letters.

In my experience, most insurance companies will accept letters that have been written within a year. Doctors vary, but insurance is usually the lynch pin on this one. If you’re thinking about HRT or surgery sometime in the future, maybe consider getting support letters now, even if you’re not ready to actually schedule a consult with a Dr. If you’re already working with a gender affirming therapist, they should be able to do this for you now if you’ve been working with them on gender issues.

Talk with your Dr.

Make sure you have a good relationship established with your primary. Talk with them about your concerns and see if maybe they might be able to help with managing how all of this might affect access to HRT. Again, I can’t predict the future, but I could see them trying to take some kind of action to prevent or restrict access to HRT. There are legal restrictions on how often and how much your doctor can prescribe hormones, but talk with them and see if they might be able to write a different prescription that could help in the case of possible limitations in the future.

Consider switching HRT methods.

In continuation of the previous point, they will likely try to limit access to HRT, at the very least for minors. Take a look at other hormone administration methods that might be longer lasting or possibly less likely to be restricted. When politics are involved in medical decisions, the outcomes tend to be based on optics. Its possible they might specifically limit access to hormone injections, because this is easier to play up and look scary. ie: “they’re shooting these kids up with poison!”. Harder to demonize putting a patch on someone for a week.

Another option that you might look into if you’re trans masc or otherwise gender queer and taking T, is something I’ve heard about over the last several months. There’s a new option that appears to be legal for gender affirming care in lots of places in the US. You can get testosterone pellets implanted under your skin that last from 2 to 6 months. You may have heard of other medications being administered like this. A Dr. inserts a small pellet maybe the size of a grain of rice under your skin, and it slowly dissolves over the course of 2 to 6 months. This might be an option to consider since its longer lasting and could give you some time to figure out alternatives if the worst case scenario occurs and they try to take HRT away.

For Parents

Talk with your kids

No matter what age they are, talk with your kids about how they’re feeling about all of this and what they’re aware of. It’s very important for kids to have some kind of outlet and space to talk about their fears, concerns, and confusion. Otherwise they’re prone to slipping into depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems.

This is one of the most common ways I see kids coming to struggle with mental health problems. When things in the world are crazy and kids don’t have someone to talk to about it, they often internalize this as either them being crazy themselves or everything feeling crazy, which can then spiral into hopelessness, despair, and depression.

When you talk with your kids, try not to put anything extra on them. Follow their lead sometimes and avoid adding to their fears. For example, if your child says something like “yeah, I’m really worried, will we maybe have to flee the country?”. Don’t respond by saying something like “It will probably be too late by that point.” Or “nowhere is safe anymore”. This one is hard for a lot of parents. If he comes back, you’re going to be struggling with a lot of really difficult thoughts and feelings yourself. Get the help you need so you can be there for your kids without leaking out onto them.

If you have young kids, tailor what you say to them in age appropriate ways. I just had this talk with my 5 and 9 year old when they caught me talking with wife about the possibility that Trump could return. Essentially what I said to them was.

If the bad president comes back, things could get scary and hard for a bit, but life is weird and we never know what’s coming, so we do our best, and love each other, and take care of each other. The only thing that you possibly need to know and look out for is that if he comes back, people might become more mean about things like saying that boys can’t wear shoes with pink unicorns on them. This might happen because the bad president might say mean things that make them feel like they’re the good guys for being mean to people that they don’t understand.

Check on their safety

If you’re concerned about your kid(s) or they seem depressed or anxious, check in on their safety. People tend to fear that talking about suicide or self-harm might make a person more likely to engage in self-harm. This isn’t the case. Kids are tricky and often will either be open to this conversation or will shoot you down. Either way, trying to talk about it and checking in with them is best. Trust me, even in the most depressed cases I’ve worked with, where kids maybe even hate their parents, they still express sadness and depressive thoughts when their parents don’t check in about this. It’s often internalized as “they don’t care”. If this kind of conversation is hard for you, maybe look into getting your kid into therapy.

Be proactive with schools

It is so hard to have a kid in school who struggles in any kind of way or who is vulnerable to bullying. Not all LGBTQ kids face these kind of issues, but this may become more of a problem if Trump returns. We know psychologically, that in situations like this, people tend to become more verbal and overt about their stances when their leaders are in power. It tends to give a sense of legitimacy.

If your kids express that they’re having trouble at school, talk with teachers and administration. Be sure to make this a collaborative process and talk with your kids about what you intend to do to help and how they feel about it.

Get them community

One of the most important and most helpful things I have seen in my work with LGBTQ youth is for them to find community. We all need a place to feel like we belong, are heard, and understood. This tends to be even more true for any vulnerable minority. If they don’t have something already, try to help them find a group or some place to find queer friends.

a couple of good places to look are:

• The Sacramento LGBT Community Center
• The Gender Health Center
• TQYC – Trans Queer Youth Collective
• The Landing Spot in Roseville
• Facebook groups like Sacramento Area Rainbow Families.
• Sometimes people even find success in checking out MeetUp.com

If It Gets Bad

I’m not going to future trip and predict what could happen. We all have our fears, and trust me, I have my own. But if he comes back and things get bad, these are some things you should take into consideration.

Emergency Prep

If you haven’t already, please prepare an emergency to go bag that’s readily available in your home. The website ready.gov has a page going over everything you should or can include in an emergency kit but the basics are:

• cash in small bills
• medications
• important documents
• flashlights
• phone chargers
• batteries
• first aid kits
• food
• water

Talk with the people you live with about a plan for evacuating in the case of danger and getting to safety.

Plan for places to go

Take some time to identify safe places you could go in the case of emergency. This could be friends’ or relatives’ homes. Talk with people about your plans and make sure people in your home know where you plan to go if there’s an emergency. Even if it’s not in the case of an emergency, sometimes it can help to just get away for a bit when things aren’t feeling safe. This can be a good way to cope with times like this. I know I’m considering a trip to nature the week of the election or shortly after so I can either feel like I’m escaping, or going somewhere to breath a sigh of relief.

Sacramento Sanctuary

With Trump wanting to ban gender affirming care, and there being several counties in the area who seem to be fully buying into that sentiment (here’s looking at you Placer!), you may find yourself needing to flee to Sacramento. I don’t know how all of this would pan out in the worst case scenario of Trump trying to enact a national ban on gender affirming care, but currently Sacramento stands as a sanctuary city for trans people. In March of this year, partially in preparation for this possible eventuality, the Sacramento city council voted to make Sacramento “a sanctuary city for trans people”.

A snippet from the Sac Bee:

The resolution will bar city staff — including officers and contractors — from detaining youths and adults for seeking or providing gender-affirming health care. It would also bar the city from cooperating with out-of-state jurisdictions that are criminalizing gender-affirming care.

Passports

Its not too late to get your passports. We just applied for ours a couple of weeks ago. Its supposed to take 4 – 6 weeks for a passport application to process. Its possible this could take longer if Trump gets re-elected and lots of people apply all at once.

I’ve known lots of people, myself included who feel like getting a passport implies the intention to leave. This doesn’t have to be the case. Applying for a passport just gives you the opportunity and ability to leave if things get to the point where you might consider that.

I also know that actually leaving the country is a huge deal and would be a significant undertaking both financially and logistically for most people, but if you’ve thought about this, try to apply sooner rather than later.

Personal Safety

If things get bad, its normal and understandable for you to want to find some way to protect yourself. This can range from something like studying martial arts, to getting something like a stun gun or pepper spray. Personally, I think if you ever find yourself in a position of feeling chronically unsafe or you know you’re going to be venturing into un-safety, it is a good idea to carry some kind of self defense like pepper spray, if anything, just to give you peace of mind.

But!

I mostly put this point here because I want to make a note on gun ownership and tie this into a couple of other things I mentioned earlier. As I just said a minute ago, its normal and understandable to want to protect yourself and your loved ones during times of crisis and uncertainty. If he comes back and it gets bad, you might find yourself considering getting a gun.

I’m not here to argue for or against gun ownership. I am here to point out that if you struggle with suicidal ideation or you could see yourself going there in the event that he comes back, please take this into consideration when thinking about gun ownership. Guns are used in over half of all suicides. It is thought that this is because guns are both potently lethal and easily misused in moments of impulsivity.

I honestly think we all struggle with suicidal thoughts at one point or another. But if you know you’re prone to going to a dark place and getting seriously suicidal, please think twice about getting a gun, and if you do get a gun, please take precautions to keep yourself safe. It’s a good idea for gun owners to take steps to keep themselves safe when they know they are struggling with suicidal thoughts. Some precautions I’ve known people to take:

• Ensuring they don’t know the code to the safe, relying on their partner to access it.
• Giving their gun to someone they trust to babysit it when they’re in a dark place and they know they might be in danger.
• Asking a partner to hide the gun case/safe when they will be drinking and more susceptible to impulsivity.

Think of all of this as being like any other form of self-care that involves removing temptation. If you know depression can lead you to eating 5 reams of Oreos, you might choose not to have Oreos in the house. If you know you’re at risk of suicidality take similar precautions with your safety.

If you see something, say something

We live in the era of social media and cameras in everyones’ pockets. If you see someone being targeted or mistreated because of their gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or honestly for any other reason, say something. If you can, say something in the moment. If you can’t, contact authorities, share on social media, or check in with a trusted friend or family member about what to do. If things get bad, knowing that they could end up in trouble or shared all over the internet is going to be one of the big things that keeps creeps from creepin.

Stay

We need you. The world is better because you’re in it. Don’t let these people and their hate, fear, and ignorance convince you that you’re worth nothing. A vast ocean can only sink a boat if the water has a way to get in. Steel yourself. Be a pineapple! Stand tall, wear a crown, be a bit prickly on the outside, but be sweet on the inside.

I leave you with this clip from The Lord Of The Rings movie that I find myself sharing in times like this.

About the author

Joe Borders is an LGBTQ therapist practicing in the greater Sacramento area since 2009. He has a physical office in Roseville, but also sees clients remotely all over California, and now Oregon. Joe Primarily works with teens, LGBTQ clients and gender diverse folx. If you’re considering therapy, give him a call for a free 10 to 15 minute consultation to see if he might be a good fit.

Joe Borders, MFT
Therapist in Roseville and the Sacramento area
(530) 448-6602

775 Sunrise Ave., suite 110
Roseville, Ca 95661